Change

2008-08-20T23:42:00.002-04:00

At the end of senior year I kind of imagined that summer would be just like every other summer only a little bit more emotion would be involved in the month of August. I figured any transforming and change that would occur in my life would happen once I actually got to college. I was wrong. IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING!

I've been realizing that I have already grown a lot this summer as far as how I handle relationships and friendships. I have grown to a new place in my faith. My tummy grew a little too :( I WILL NOT GAIN THE FRESHMAN 15! And holy crap are things already changing. I've seen some friendships come and go this summer. I'm really curious to see which friendships will grow through college, which will just remain, and which will disappear.

Tonight I went through all my old stuff. I smiled at a lot of the old pictures I found. I'm kind of in a nostalgic state of mind I guess. I don't really have anything important to say at all. I just felt like blogging. Look for a real blog in the next couple days. (I'm reading a good book.)

The Beginning of Something Crazy

2008-08-14T15:58:00.013-04:00

Today officially begins a long and challenging journey--college. No, I don't actually leave until August 28, but yesterday I said my goodbyes to the last of my close friends. Leaving the people I love, even though it is only for months at a time, is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. This morning I awoke to the start of something foreign, something new. Emotionally drained and physically ill I woke up to the horrifying fact that life as I know it is, in a sense, officially over. Over the next four years, I will step into a completely new lifestyle. I will live in a new "home," I will make new friends, I will start to like new things, I'll get involved in activities I've never thought to join before-- I'll be independent. And after that, I'll be living on my own, working some job, getting married, having kids, raising kids, getting old! OH MY GOSH!! MAKE IT STOP!

Life has seemed like a speeding car spinning out of control lately. While all summer I couldn't wait for Messiah move-in day to come, for the past several weeks I have been trying to slam the breaks on time. There never seems to be enough time to spend with the people you love. And this week time went by particularly fast. In the midst of the anticipation of leaving I've shared some of the most cherished moments with those I love. I don't know exactly what shapes my long distance relationships will take or how well my friends and I will keep in touch, but my hope is that distance will make the heart grow fonder and that from here it can only get better. Although I already miss each and every one of my friends more than I ever thought possible in a day, I am more excited to see where their journey's will end up. I'm excited to see what their experiences look like and who they will become over the next four years.

Alongside my excitement over what college holds in store for my friends, I am eagerly anticipating and getting ready for what college will be for me. Ever since dating a college student my freshman year of high school and watching him change and grow as he went away to college, I have basically been counting down the days and dreaming about my own college experience. And holy crap--it's exactly two weeks, 14 days, away. In realizing that earlier this morning, I decided that I wanted to start a blog-- my college blog. And so here I am.

When putting together any blog, you have to come up with a theme or topic for the blog. I've never been one to just keep a diary-- I woke up and brushed my teeth and weint to school and had dinner with Johnny. No. I only write if I feel like I have something important or valuable to say, or if I have a question to ask. When asking myself what I want out of college, the answer I always come to first is a transformation. A transformation of self--spirit, mind, and body. I want to, on a very superficial level, tone my body -- aka not gain the freshman 15 and manage to get in shape. Then comes mind-- college is obviously all about learning. It is the higher education. But I want to do more than just go to college and study. I actually want to absorb what I'm learning. I want to dive in and really take something with me when I leave Messiah. I'm currently signed up at as a psychology major soon to add christian ministries as a double major. I don't know if that will change over the next four years or not, but regardless of what I'm doing in the end, my goal is to actually learn, not binge information and then throw it all up on the test like I did in high school. I want to learn important life lessons, too. But you never know what those are until you learn them! So I guess I'll just have to wait and see (I'm hoping that most of them will eventually be documented in this blog.)

The last and most important part of my transformation at college is the spirit part. I have had a long and rollercoaster-like faith journey. From just going to church to practically living at church, to youth group to being called a Jesus freak in school, to not praying for months on end to praying all day long, I've seen a lot of different extremes within my own journey with God. And all of those ups and downs have led me to my current position in the walk-- I am utterly turned off by church and religion. I am sick of the show of Christianity and the idol that we have turned Jesus into. I feel as though my entire walk has merely been some act rather than a faith founded in Jesus. I sick and tired of being part of the show, of being jipped by the game. I desperately am yearning for a faith that is real, a spirituality that goes beyond the motions and the music. I'm sick of ritualistic routines and meaningless emotions. In the midst of my frustration with faith I picked up my Bible earlier this week and came upon Romans 12:2.

"Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

I'm done conforming to the patterns of this world, the routine ways of Christianity. I'm breaking the mold and searching for a genuine faith, one that is not showy and obnoxious. I'm searching for the real Jesus. I'm going to go to college and be renewed. Not by my teachers or my new pastors or the chapel services or the church-- I've had enough of that in the past six years. I am going to be renewed by Jesus. He's already forgiven me for all the sins I have commited against the Father--He did that 2000 years ago when He died on the cross. Now I'm ready for Jesus to transform me from the inside out. To mold and refine me into who He created me to be. I won't be tricked into letting anyone else transform me like I have in the past. I'm my own person now and I will only become more like Jesus from here out. This is what I am preparing to take away from college. And the only way for me to get there is to dive into the Bible headfirst and start spending regular time in prayer. A relationship with Jesus is hard work, but I'm finally ready and excited to put the effort in because I know that the love coming my way is more than worth it. The purpose of this blog is for me to share what I learn, to document my transformation. I'm excited to look back in four years and see all of the wonderful work Jesus will do in my life. "For He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phillipians 1:6)

be transformed.

Change

The Beginning of Something Crazy